Living in Harmony

My house has kind of become home to a lot of bugs. I’m not quite sure how, because I don’t exactly leave my door open for them, but bugs constantly find their way into my house- daddy long legs, spiders, wasps, flies. Today I came across a spider that was the size of my fist- for real, and it had white stripes on it… kinda freaky.

It’s crazy how quickly I’ve been able to live at peace with those of God’s creatures that I hate the most. Don’t get me wrong, when given a chance, I will get them out of my house and there are certain ones that I will kill- but I don’t freak out about it or anything. Me and the bugs, we’ve reached a place of peace and harmony.

One thing I’ve been learning in a very real way over the past few months is what it means to truly strive to live in harmony. Theologically, I’ve done a lot of head work with this stuff in the past. You know, going down the road of creation and the fall, the disharmony it brought- disharmony between humanity and God, disharmony between humanity and creation, and disharmony within humanity. I truly believe that one of the main purposes of Christ is to bring us back into that world of harmony- that perfect creation where we live within the trinitarian community, a beautiful indwelling of persons who are all living for, with, and in each other. I believe it is our purpose as the body of Christ to work to bring about this Kingdom of harmony and have therefore become an advocate for striving for that harmony in everything we do.

I’ve never truly experienced what a huge challenge that is until I moved my life to Mission, SD. In this world I’m constantly encountering and interacting with those I greatly disagree with and I’ve tried my darndest to enter into communion with them. And I’ve tried to do this without my little subculture of folks who think like me and let me whine a bit and keep me from pulling off my arm and throwing it at people because I’m so theologically frustrated. It’s been a difficult journey but I’m finally reaching a strong place of peace about things- peace I know only comes from God because with my passionate spirit, I know I’m incapable of this sense of rest.

I’ve got a story- today in church, I learned yet again that God is a raging republican, that the only issues that matter in this election are outlawing abortion and saving our families from the horror of gay marriage. I learned that Islam is spreading in the U.S. and that its a dangerous thing because, well, they are bound to attack us Christians because of the freedoms we believe in. I also learned that preachers can’t tell us who to vote for because heathenistic feds will come throw them in prison. Oh, South Dakota.

Now normally something like this would make me want to walk out in a huff. It would create massive amounts of passionate unrest in my spirit. And I do have to admit that I was a little ticked. But, I stayed. And I prayed with these people after the service and I stood with them seeking God. I saw them as God’s creation; I saw them as my brothers and sisters.

I’ve felt like cutting and running so many times before but I know that I can’t. I’ve always been relatively critical of the Christians in Mission- the lack of cooperation and support, the lack of humility, the lack of impact because individuals cannot seem to get over themselves and work together. The moment I cut and run I become a part of the problem. I want to be part of the solution.

In the past, I was afraid that in order to live in harmony, I would have to sacrifice my ideals, my beliefs, and all that God has taught me. I’m learning that that isn’t true. Humility is not giving all that up. Living in harmony is not about conforming to the norm. Living in harmony is about love and indiscriminately approaching all of humanity with love, recognizing that no matter how ridiculous we find each other at times, we do in fact belong to each other.

When we do that, we will have peace.

The Doer of Good

To preface- this isn’t me and I don’t plan on taking credit for it. The following was written by Oscar Wilde and I’ve spent the past three days racking my brain about it and it raises so many questions for me. Wondering what you all think of it. Perhaps I’ll throw some of my questions at the end-

It was night time and He was alone.

And he was afar off the walls of a round city and went towards the city,

And when He came near He heard within the city the thread of the feet of joy, and the laughter if the mouth of gladness and the loud noise of many lutes. And He knocked at the gate and the gatekeepers opened to Him.

And He beheld a house that was of marble and had fair pillars of marble before it. The pillars were hung with garlands, and within and without there were torches of cedar. And He entered the house.

And when He has passed through the hall of chalcedony and the hall of jasper, and reached the long hall of feasting, He saw lying on a couch of sea-purple one whose hair was crowned with red roses and whose lips were red with wine.

And He went behind him and touched him on the shoulder and said to him, ‘Why do you live like this?’

And the young man turned round and recognised Him, and made answer and said, ‘But I was a leper once, and you healed me. How else should I live?’

And He passed out of the house and went again into the street.

And after a little while He saw one whose face and raiment were painted and whose feet were shod with pearls. And behind her came, slowly as a hunter, a young man who wore a cloak of two colours. Now the face of the woman was as the fair face of an idol, and the eyes of the young man were bright with lust.

And he followed swiftly and touched the hand of the young man and said to him, ‘Why do you look at this woman in such wise?’

And the young man turned round and recognised Him and said, ‘But I was blind once, and you gace me sight. At what else should I look?’

And He ran forward and touched the painted raiment of the woman and said to her, ‘Is there no other way in which to walk save the way of sin?’

And the woman turned round and recognised Him, and laughed and said, ‘But you forgave my sins, and this is a pleasant way.’

And He passed out of the city.

And when He had passed out of the city He saw seated by the roadside a young man who was weeping.

And he went towards him and touched the long lock of his hair and said to him, ‘Why are you weeping?’

And the young man looked up and recognised Him and made answer, ‘But I was dead once and you raised me from the dead. What else should I do but weep?’

 

And that’s where our good friend Mr Wilde leaves things-

So my questions, what/who is this a critique of?

What is the desired reader response? What’s the point?

What is it to do good? Do good intentions go aray? Is there really any good in doing “good” for others?

I’ve come up with my own answers in response to this, but I really want to know what you all think. Please comment Much love.

C.H.R.I.S.T.I.A.N.

Christian. What a crazy word, huh? Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is what that word really means today. When you think of a “Christian”, what is the picture that pops into your mind?

Here in Mission, people have very different ideas of what a Christian is. I’ve had people ask me why I was watching TV and why I would go to a rodeo because they honestly believed that all Christians were people who lived in isolation and wore floor length skirts and didn’t dance, take in any sort of media, or attend any events where alcohol may be present. When I told them that I thought if Christ were here today, he’d probably be at the rodeo- these people were completely taken aback- not offended at all, just genuinely confused. Then there’s also the idea of a Christian as someone who comes in during the summer, entertains the kids, and takes their pictures. Others see Christians as those who constantly preach judgement and tell everyone they are going to hell at camp meetings. Christians are also people who will do anything for you- give you rides, paint your house for the third time in 3 years, remodel everything for you, and possibly give you money or other gifts. Christians are also people who come in and build churches on top of each other, several churches that are about a quarter full or less on any given Sunday and no one from any church collaborates with anyone from another church. My question is which of these is closest to who Christ really is? Are any of them close?

Outside of Mission even, the term “Christian” has been given so many negative connotations. Who is a Christian? In the minds of many a Christian is a judgemental, conservative, upper middle class citizen with an SUV who has no real concern for the world or the people in it. Now I know this isn’t everyone but its crazy how many people think that is what a Christian is. Are they really all that wrong?

Christian is a dangerous word. It makes people cringe. And I know so many people who truly seek after God and want to become Christ-like who struggle with calling themselves Christian because of what it means to society. Look at facebook and people’s religious views- so many people are looking for ways to say they follow Christ without saying they are “Christian.”It’s sad really.

What the heck is a Christian really? Are all those who claim to be truly that? Is the term “Christian” redemable? Should we just throw it out and start calling ourselves something new and trendy? And if we do that, how long will it take before we are disgusted with that label? I’m not about ready to give it up but it sure raises a lot of questions. Thoughts?

EDIT: Sorry, I had to- I was looking for Gandhi quotes because I’m making a craft and I found this: “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” More food for thought from a man I deeply respect.

Why me?

Ok, I know that title sounds a little whiny. But just hang with me for a little bit- this is not laced with self-pity, I promise.

I’ve had a few visitors in the past three weeks and it has been absolutely amazing to see some of the people I know and love out here again. I loved just sitting back and watching them do their thing and it was so refreshing. Just little things- like seeing locals at community events and chatting it up to taking a trip to Parmelee and chillin with the kids again to visiting with people at church. All of my visitors seemed to just light up the lives of everyone around them and they were able to interact with certain people in a way that I’m just not able to. And then after they leave, I can’t help but ask myself why I’m the one who is here instead of any of them. It’s not that I’m incapable. There are plenty of things that I can do that they can’t and people that I can relate to in a way that they can’t but as far as life out here being a continuation of Lakota Journey ministry- many times I feel it would have just made more sense for it to be someone else because of my awkward social retardedness.

The thing is it’s not that someone else would be better than me- its that just me doesn’t seem to be quite enough. It’s incomplete. When there are 3 or 4 of us together, we have more connections and are just more able. Driving into SF and randomly visiting houses works with groups so much more because there’s more experiences to relate to. The same is true for Parmelee.

I guess whenever I see others out here again, I see what the next step of our ministry could be. And let me tell you, its AMAZING! And I know that it takes a massive amount of sacrifice and completely throws life in a blender, but my goodness if we just had possibly 2 more people living and seeking after God out here and reaching out to those we’ve been ministering to for the past 6 years, the possibilities are endless. And I also know it will most likely be years before this next step may become a reality. but I don’t want to wait for it. I have to admit that some of that is the selfishness of wanting my friends around me but about 75% of it is the completely exciting anticipation of what could be- because I see the need constantly and I see it fulfilled every so often when people pull into town- I want to to be fulfilled semi-permanently, ya know?

In other news, the bell kits I ordered for my percussionists at the beginning of the year finally came in today and I’m like a kid at Christmas. wOOt!

TCMS Band Rehearsal Critique Form

So when my students forget their instruments or can’t play in rehearsal for some reason, I make them write They fill out rehearsal critique forms. These forms serve a few purposes a. it keeps kids busy b. it gets kids to think about the rehearsal process and c. it gives me some entertaining reading in the evenings.

Here are some direct quotes:

1. What are two things that you thought went well during rehearsal?

- “It was a desaster!!! On some parts we did good but on some parts it was a desaster.”

2. What are two things the band could do to improve musically?

- “They should try to make noise.”

-”Don’t sound like a boat sinking.”

-”We should stop playing because she is on the blue thing and listen.” (I have a blue square taped to my floor because I still do not have a podium…)

3. What are two things the band could do to improve cooperation?

-”1. Play music together. 2. Work hard. 3. Behave or else!! Bye, bye.”

-”Stop talking and look at you more and listen! Bye, bye.”

-”Working together and not sounding like a boat calling for help”

-”No try to be silly”

Oh, children.

I basically fall in love with my students more and more each day. FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY a bunch of them are getting in the habit of bringing instruments home. wOOt!

So I have this French Horn player who is easily flustered and when she gets flustered, she’s not sure what to do so she just yells at the top of her lungs. The past two rehearsals, she has gotten so upset about everyone talking and getting wildcat bucks taken away (a lovely incentive for kids in our school) that she has just blatently screamed , ” I HATE BAND! I HATE BAND!” And I’m really not quite sure what to do with that situation other then chuckle a little… I mean after I get the rest of the kids to settle down and shut their faces, she’s fine. But its turning into an every rehearsal occurance and I’m not sure if that’s healthy.

Now that I actually have a free moment…

I need to apoligize to you all for my complete negligence. I would pull out the whole “I’ve been super busy” excuse but that never makes anyone feel any better. The reality is that we all have relatively chaotic lives and in our lives, we make time for those who are important to us. Readers, you are important to me. And I will strive to make time for you from now on.

Now my life has changed immensely since we’ve last spoke. I am now living alone in a rural, poverty-striken community. I’m THE band director at a Middle School, in charge of developing and running a growing program where 95% of my students haven’t played an instrument or read music before and I have about an hour of large group instructional time per week. I’ve completely fallen in love with all 63 of my students even though they all drive me completely insane. I’ve made new friends in a world where I previously knew no one (still working that one). It’s fantastic and challenging and I adore it even though many days I want to crawl into my bed and never leave it…

One great thing about my life is that I’m truly gaining independance. I do so many things for myself that I never thought I would be doing a year ago. I’ve fixed 3 flutes, 2 baritones, 1 alto sax, and 2 trumpets all by myself. I safely removed a lego man from a trombone. I’ve put together budget proposals. I’ve made a variety of parent contacts. I pay my own bills. I develop systems for motivating, encouraging, teaching, and grading students. I kill giant spiders inside my house. I put together 2 desks, 4 chairs, a table, an entertainment center, a couch, and a bed all by myself. I check electric, water, and propane meters. I bake cookies on a regular basis (I know this isn’t a big deal for most 22 year old females but I was never the one to bake… I just ate things…). I’ve made cooking experiments! I mowed my own lawn. I do Yoga without a certain roommate telling me to keep going and that the tape is almost over. I do a lot of things- And I do them independantly. And if I’m unsure how to do something- I figure it out and I make some mistakes and I learn and its great!

I was encountered with another learning experience today when I found a nail in my now flat tire. This kind of annoyed me because the tire place is closed over the weekend but I had a spare and all the equipment I needed to change it in my car. I started to think back to when my Dad told me some basic car maintenance tips, read some directions, and gave Dad a call for some advice. I just started to get the bolts unscrewed when these two well-intentioned yet very offensive men pulled up.

They asked me if I had everything ok and I said that I thought I knew what I was doing and I could handle things. And then they were like “you just need to tighten it up now?” and then I was like, “well, no, I’m putting on the spare.” And then they jumped out of the truck and one guy just started going at it while the other one asked me questions like, “Didn’t your Dad ever teach you how to do this?” and said things like “You’re just like my wife.  She always just waits until someone else comes along and does this stuff for her.” Ummmm, excuse me. a. I’m not incompetant. I was going to do it. In fact I had 3 different teachers offer to help me and I turned them down because I wanted to learn. b. How do you expect me to learn if you don’t let me do it. and c. It’s because of small minded stupid people like you that some think of this lovely state I know live in as the armpit of the united states. Who the h do you think you are?

Sometimes I feel I don’t have a right to be angry at people who help me in times of need. But people like that make me want to vomit all over them. Oh and afterwards the guy had the nerve to ask if I needed him to lift the tire into my trunk because it was quite a bit heavier then the spare…. um, tires aren’t that heavy. Thanks though.

ps: teaching is awesome. Someday I’ll tell you fun stories about it.

I have a new home

That’s right folks, home. It’s such a strong word and I never thought I’d be saying it this early about Mission, SD but I am.

I went back “home” for the past few days to pack up my life and start the glorious process that is moving and although it was fantastic and encouraging to see many people I love, it felt like a trip. It was like a whole different, strange world. I was experiencing culture shock the entire time. I felt conflicted, distracted, confused. Everything felt different. I was so uncomfortable in Suburbia. And although I know Rosemount will always be a part of my life and I certainly will always have a life in Minnesota, it’s no longer home. I really don’t think I’ll miss the place one bit. The people, yes… but the place, heck no.

Driving back to the Rez was probably the greatest thing ever. With each landmark I got more and more excited. And it wasn’t the regular “I’m excited to get out of the car” excited… it was totally the coming home excited. In Chamberlain (where I always follow the speed limit now) when I passed over that water and saw the first signs of SD rolling hills to the south, I was filled with joy and when I turned south in Murdo and drove up and down hill after hill, I was ecstatic!!!! even though I was stuck behind a stupid Winnebago that was held together by chains and couldn’t accelerate to save it’s life… I’m so happy to be home! So happy that I’m in a church full of sleeping people and I can’t sleep even though I had a somewhat tiring day… Perhaps I should try…

I Heart the Body of Christ

So thursday was a crazy day. In the morning I checked into my house! I didn’t really move in because I want to stay back at the church with my peeps as long as they’re here but I got my keys, went inside, and took a look around. It’s a really cute little house with a good sense of character. Some of the paint color choices were a little bit interesting but it was nothing I couldn’t fix up in time.

Then I had a relatively discouraging day in Parmelee. It’s so crazy how you can start to have a decent relationship with some kids and then suddenly your just known by the color of your skin and shown so much hatred. I HATE that people will look at the color of my skin, make assumptions, and treat me a certain way. And its so crazy that so many peoples have just gotten used to that. There are so many barriers because of my skin color and sometimes its so ridiculously tiring and I want to give up.

When we got back to Mission thursday night, the Caytons were there to visit! All I wanted to do was eat something and fall on my bed and chill awhile. But the Caytons came up and gave me a huge hug and wanted to know what was going on with me. We talked about Parmelee, my new job, all the exciting things, and all the ways they wanted to support me. It was probably the most encouraging conversation ever. Then we ate Chipotle that they had picked up for us the night before! It was tasty. After that I showed them my house and my classroom and they decided that they would spend their time here repainting my kitchen and bathroom, cleaning a bit, and pruning my over-grown trees. SO AMAZING!!! It was such a tangible display of the love of Christ and it came at a time that I really needed it. When the Body of Christ operates the way it should, it’s basically the greatest thing ever. I can’t get over it.

Email Blues

So over the summer I’ve been sending email updates to a few friends/family etc who I figured would like to know about my happenings on the Rez. I’ve also been sending more personal emails to some folks as well because it’s just really nice to keep in touch with folks back home. I usually check my email religiously to see if I get any response from people. I know its incredibly lame, but it feels so nice to hear from folks even if its something small. It just helps to feel connected. Before today I hadn’t received any emails in over a week and I was starting to get a little sad. Last night I sent out an update email and I figured I’d get at least a few words from some folks in return so this morning I opened up the lap top and opened my email account in hopeful anticipation. And, sure enough, I had one message in my inbox!!!!!! I was very happy… until I opened it… This is how the message read: 

“I don’t know you and I REALLY want you to take me off your email list”

Turns out the email that I thought belonged to my uncle belongs to some random woman who doesn’t know me and apparently hates me… ok, I know she doesn’t hate me. I understand that its annoying to receive 4 updates from someone you don’t know and I totally understand the desire to not receive them anymore. But I couldn’t help but take it so personally. I was really sad actually. I sent her 4 emails I think… oops. If she had just told me the first time that she wasn’t who I thought she was, I’d stop sending her things. But, alas, that’s not how things went down. So now instead of hearing encouraging words from someone I love, I got protests from someone who apparently has a major problem with my updates… otherwise “really” wouldn’t be emphasized so much… Sorry my happenings disgust you so much…

Ok, I realize this isn’t a big deal and the woman probably thought nothing of it and didn’t think it would make me all depressed… Let’s face it, those words from a stranger really shouldn’t bother someone all that much. Pretty much, I just miss my peeps and really want to hear from them.

Also, yesterday I was climbing around in the bad lands and came across a dead cow that must have fallen over the edge of a cliff and got stuck in the rocks. It smelled so nasty.

One more thing, I have a cold. Who ever thought of that in the middle of July? I want it to go away.

Some things I’ve been thinking about today

a. I’m currently very depressed over the state of the human race and the measures we have to take to make sure we don’t all end up killing each other and how those measures involve a massive amount of human suffering anyway. I would gladly give up my personal security if it meant people didn’t have to suffer. Life would be so much easier if we could just all be friends and love each other. (Yes, I know how cheesy that sounds but there’s so much truth to it) I’m seriously really upset over this- there’s no way I can divorce any act of war (or anything else) from the human suffering that comes from it and I cannot fathom dehumanizing and devaluing any human being- even if they have done the same to several others. And I know that the way I strongly desire the world to be and the type of world I actively want to work to bring about is some ridiculous utopia that will basically never exist… well not until Christ comes again i guess… but I want so badly for it to be here now so we can stop hurting each other.

b. It’s probably a good thing that I’m not the president or something because I would lay down all our weapons and then we’d all be dead.

c. Basically every 2-3 hours I question what the heck I’m doing with my summer. I know that so much great stuff is coming out of us being out here and I’m so overjoyed with all the random side things that happen- those conversations, Bible studies, adventures with St Francis teens, getting the job of my dreams thrown into my lap etc. But when it comes to my actual work (volunteering with the BGC in Parmelee), I seriously have no idea why the heck I’m there. I mean there’s some encouraging stuff like I’ve met a few kids who will be my students next year and I do have a couple sweet conversations with kids but most of the time its just so draining and I’d rather be investing in existing relationships and not dealing with people who seem to hate us and feel like I’m making some sort of difference. I know that we don’t really have to know how God is using us and we shouldn’t have to feel we’re doing something worthwhile because we should just have faith but it’d sure be nice to at least know we’re making some sort of difference. I guess I just have to trust and find comfort in the fact that God has laid this all out and we can go and work and interact with these kids and know that God is doing something without knowing what the heck it is.

d. I long for St Francis. I’m very excited about possibilities for doing something there during the school year…. I think I may try to have a little youth Bible study thing because I know there are at least a few peeps I could totally talk into doing it and it would be so great.

e. In a few short weeks I will be a resident of Mission, SD. Weird.