Letting Go

First of all I want to say welcome. Welcome to the new site for my musings. I’ve found WordPress quite fascinating for awhile now and I figured it was time to grow up and get a new blog- one where I couldn’t easily access the adolescent complaints I whined continuously. Don’t worry, I’ll keep xanga around in case you ever feel like getting a picture of my 17 year-old self- I would not want to deprive the world from that entertainment- but from now on my thoughts will be posted on here.

I’d like to tell you all a little story about my week. This week I took the final step in my Teach for America application process- this is something I had been thinking about, praying about, and pursuing since September and although I wasn’t quite sure if it was the direction was being led- it was definitely something I needed to explore and pursue. I was supposed to have my interview on thursday (at least that’s what I thought) and I was actually incredibly excited for it. I was excited to meet people and be able to discover more about who Teach for America is. I know a lot about the program and its goals and what it stands for but I honestly didn’t quite know who the people I would be working with were- who are the people Teach for America supports? What type of people make up this organization? Can I see myself working with these people for the next two years and beyond? This interview was going to help me answer these questions and give me a strong sense of whether or not I really wanted this or not.

So tuesday rolls around and I get an email from the TFA rep at CSB/SJU saying that she hoped everything went well and that I was in her thoughts that day- yeah, turns out I totally can’t read and planned to have my interview on the wrong day. I completely missed it. When I made this discovery I was completely shocked. How could I be such an idiot? Generally, I am a responsible person- I do work, I show up for things, I actively pursue purpose and calling in my life. I just didn’t understand why I messed this up on the very last step after I had already invested so much time and effort. I also figured there was no way Teach for America would even think about taking me. Let’s face it- they aren’t exactly looking for the type of people who don’t show up for interviews. I emailed admissions anyway just in case there was anything I could do but I decided that it was time to let go of this.

So I let go. I talked to a few people and thought things through- worked out plans and accepted the fact that teach for america would not be a part of my life. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was holding onto Teach for America for the wrong reasons- I kept it around because of all the ways to follow God’s call on my life to minister to the Lakota people, Teach for America was the most secure- it gave me a built in support system, it allowed me to participate in student’s education (something I think is soooooooooo important for Rez kids),  I’d have the next two years planned out for me, I’d have a bit of a salary guaranteed, I could easily defer my loans, I’d get 10 grand at the end, people would be watching out for me, and I’d leave with TFA on my resume (impressive for any potential employers). Not that TFA would be easy by any means- but it would be far easier then going out there on my own without a structure or instant friends to support me or any job security. Going to the Rez with TFA would be the most secure and comfortable way to go.

The thing is, God isn’t calling me to be secure or comfortable. And I realized that Tuesday night. I lost TFA and gained a sense of freedom- Freedom to enter into the unknown, insecure, and uncomfortable and trust the God will lead the way, provide for my needs, and use me to spread the gospel and liberate his children.

Wednesday I got an email from TFA telling me to show up for an interview on Thursday. I was completely dumb-founded. Why would they do that? As far as they knew I was an idiot who drops the ball but they invited me back anyway. So I went but I went with a completely different attitude- I knew I didn’t need them and I also wasn’t sure if I wanted them. It turned out to be my favorite interview on the face of the planet because we were basically able to feel each other out, be completely honest, and get a sense of what partnering together on this might be like. I had the last 1 on 1 interview of the day so we didn’t have to worry about time and just got to be really informal- I told my interviewer about my passion for the reservation and how I needed to be out there in the fall and I actually ended up getting a little emotional- it was that comfortable. We talked about education and what it is and what kids deserve and the greater injustices and all that. It was seriously so great- and we pretty much ended the interview with the idea that this might work and there was so much mutual respect- we also recognized that even if I don’t go through TFA, we will be fighting many of the same things and they told me that when I end up out there (because I will) even if I decide against TFA, I should find the TFA people out there because they still want me to be able to use them as a resource- it was this whole “we all need to band together” type of thing. It was very cool.

So now I’m a little messed up. I feel like I could go either way and either way would be great. So I don’t quite know what to do. I don’t hear from TFA until March 3… that’s an insanely long time. And then I have to make a decision by the end of the month. It’s currently a little annoying not knowing how I’m gonna be out there yet. And I also got offered the full summer intern thing with Lakota Journey which is such an incredible opportunity to be out there but I’ll have to turn it down if I go the TFA route. TFA or not, things are gonna be pretty cool. So I’m pretty much at the point where I know the what and where of next year but I just don’t know the how. It’s a cool place to be I guess- I’d really like to know the how…. but I don’t need to so that’s ok. God will reveal the how in time. But if I get offered what I want, this will be a very difficult decision….

There’s my story.

Other randomness- so I made the title of this “Passion and Polyphony”. I can’t quite figure out if it works or if its just really stupid- please let me know your thoughts because I’d hate to go on having a really stupid title and not knowing it.

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