Where is God?

A few years ago we were making a promotional video for Lakota Journey and I distinctly remember jumping right up and volunteering to be on camera responding to one small yet loaded question, “Why come to the reservation?” My response was simple- Because God is here and God is moving in this place and if you just simply come, God will invite you to participate in his amazing work. And there’s nothing better than that- there isn’t a more genuine way to experience God than to immerse yourself in God’s work by serving others.

I believed that too- I believed it in such a real way. The place where I saw God most clearly was on this very reservation. I saw God working is unexpected ways to bring about God’s glory. I lived each day not knowing what it would bring but knowing that God would reign. I woke each morning expecting God to work- expecting God to change people’s situations, expecting God to reach across cultural barriers to build friendships, expecting God to break the bonds of generational poverty, alcoholism and abuse, expecting God to bring hope into the lives of everyone around me and expecting God to fulfill that hope. I knew the world was broken but I also knew that God was actively fixing it- God was actively mending hearts and healing the hurt and empowering a nation to overcome years of oppression.

I also knew that if I continued to put myself on the reservation, I would continue to be invited to be a part of it even if I didn’t understand how. That’s why my heart continued to long for this place and why when God put everything into place, I moved my life out here.

It’s amazing how quickly one can lose that fire and that faith. To be completely honest, I’m not in that place anymore. I don’t expect God to move. I don’t look for God in all situations. I’ve become cynical. All I see is brokenness and when things become more broken, I am not at all surprised. In fact, I expect it. Even when it seems lives are improving, when it appears that someone’s situation is getting better, I expect it all to go wrong. When people have ideas that they feel will work towards justice and the Kingdom, I expect it to fail.  All I see is brokenness. All I see is pain. All I see is hopelessness. And God seems so far away. And I’m not sure how I got to this place. Or how I’m going to get past it. But I know I have to. I feel so weak and so broken and so useless and so lost. Where is God? And why can’t I see God any longer? How can God be in a world that constantly falls? In ministries that hurt people (even if that hurt is unintentional)? In families where children are regularly abused? In places where teens who have no support system turn to gang culture? In the lives of those who insist on remaining in abusive relationships? In homes where toddlers are left alone so their parents can go get drunk? On streets where kids I’ve grown to love get the living crap beat out of them because other kids are bored? In homes where children get away with treating loving parents like crap? I don’t know.

thoughts for my future husband

Check it out! I found something blog-worthy!

So I was digging through my past in attempt to clean even more of my crap out of my parents house and I found a little journal- Anyone remember that Rebecca St James song Wait for Me? Well she released a journal with little prompts to write to ones future spouse. I was all about this 5 years ago when I started seriously picturing that man I’m going to marry. Because of my lack of follow through in all random things like this I decide to do there are only two entries. And since they aren’t romantic at all and I have NO intention of giving this book that has Rebecca St James’ face plastered on the front to my husband upon our wedding, I have decided to broadcast these to you all for your enjoyment! Feel free to laugh.

Entry 1: I trust in God’s perfect timing because…

He’s God and knows better… DUH… The thing is as much as I do trust God and His perfect timing, I still want to know you now, you know? Even though I fo shizzle don’t have time for you right now. Ok that sounds a little selfish but its the truth. Right now is totally a time of growth for me. I’m growing so much as a person and I’m growing so much in Christ. If you were currently in the picture, life would be a touch overwhelming. Yet you’re still in the back of my mind. I really have this desire to get to know you personally and intimately right now… which is precisely why God hasn’t let me know who you are yet. Wow. I bet you enjoyed that useless rambling… not… I tend to do that sometimes… you’ve probably noticed that by now…. well, sweet dreams!

Entry 2- Today I wanted to tell you…

about something really funny! Sarah (I’m assuming you’ll know Sarah just cuz we’ll probably be friends forever) and I had an awesomely hilarious discussion today. We were talking about getting married and how our lives will be when we’re married. We decided that you and Sarah’s husband have to be best friends and you’ll do man things together like play football. Then we came to the conclusion that you would somehow accidentally kill Sarah’s husband while playing football because you’ll be a giant because I was pretending to dance with you and my arms were all stretched out and Sarah was like “You’re hisband must be really big…” Wow. This probably isn’t very funny to you but it was funny to us… well there was also much more about the conversation but oh well… you can ask me about it.

Hmmmmm. I’m awesome. But to be fair, its REALLY difficult to write to someone you don’t know at all who may not even exist… Now I can throw this away. I have a new idea for a wedding gift- something that I will most likely follow through with.

Things to Do Before We Graduate

At the beginning of senior year, over some lovely wings and Blue Moon at BDubbs, I compiled this list with some of the msot amazing people I’ve had the privlidge of sharing 80% of my classes with. It’s a list of all the things we wanted to accomplish before we left CSB/SJU. After that night, I tucked this list into my music history book and didn’t find it until right now…. That’s right, friends, 10:30 on a tuesday and I’m diving into music history… because we have yet another snow day. Anyways, here’s the list. Unfortunately, we didn’t accomplish all of it. I guess we’ll just all have to go back there at some point

-Kareoke with Dale and Bruce

-Bar hopping with Kasling

-Picnic at Chapel

-Walk from St Bens to St Johns

-Wine and Cheese Party

-Sledding with trays at Sexton

-Swimming in the Lake

-Luigi’s and Papa G’s in the same night

-McDonald 216 Secret Rescue Operation

-Make a video for Smurph

-One Last Music History Party

-Walk across the lake

-Sonic Roadtrip

-Tennis @ SJU

-Matt-Mellows!!!!!

-Farmer’s Market

-Grizzly’s Wing-It Wednesdays

-GIANT Perkins Adventure

-Family Game Night

-Monthly Music Parties

-Dance Studio Rehearsal for banquet

-Do the Fugue on a Thursday Recital (does anyone have it still because I REALLY want it!!!!)

-BINGO

-New arranged piece for Pep Band

-Late night walk around SJU

-Prank on Kasling

I miss CSB/SJU!!!! Someday, we will do all of these things again.

Hott Instruments

I haven’t written in awhile… oopsie….

You may find today’s topic of discussion either super shallow or super awesome. I guess we’ll see.

Here’s the thing- music is hott and performing is hott and generally when people make music, its highly attractive. Some instruments are hotter then others- For example, when a guy plays a flute, doesn’t really do anything for me… but give him a trombone and… sigh…

In my opinion- most attractive instruments in descending order-

1. Trumpet- The trumpet is the hottest thing ever. Because it takes charge and is just all around brilliant. Seriously, nothing is hotter then the lead trumpet of an orchestra or a brass quintet- SO MUCH POWER!!!!! However, I keep myself from being attracted to trumpeters because I think it’d be a little much… I’m way too competitive and I rarely give up the lead.

2. Trombone- The trombone rocks. And lead trombone orchestral parts are insanely attractive. I also enjoy how the lead trumpet and trombone interact- its a highly cooperative, powerful, and passionate relationship. Many times I can’t help but have a crush on the lead trombone of whatever ensemble I play in…. unless they’re like my brother…

3. Cello- The most personal and passionate string instrument. Whenever I think of cello, I think passion. Seriously, anything written for cello has passion written all over it- even those pieces written well before the romantic period- bach cello suites, anyone? Plus the way someone holds that instrument is just so intimate. It’s like it becomes part of them. So cool.

4. Piano- It’s hard to know where to place this instrument on this list… and by piano I definitely mean grand piano all open. I feel as though this one doesn’t need explaining.

5. Marimba- Preferably at least 5 octaves… and four mallet… mmmmmmmm. But it needs to be really well done.

6. French Horn- I’m a little upset with myself that I put the Horn this low on the list… It’s effing gorgeous. 

So what do you think? What instruments do you find attractive?????

Top Played

 I made a discovery that I desire to share just because I think its funny. I’ve organized my iTunes library by play count and I thought you’d be interested in knowing my top played songs in order.

1. Betty’s Diner- Carrie Newcomer This song almost inspired me to drop out of school with a semester left to open a diner and serve eggs and toast like bread and wine. It still may happen someday even though I can’t cook…

2. No One- Alicia Keys I think this is mostly because it made it on a variety of themed playlists. You have to admit its a catchy song though and Keys is a relatively enjoyable vocalist. I’m not ashamed at all.

3. The Promise- Tracy Chapman This as well has made it on a lot of playlists- mostly because last year I started listening to it as if it were a love song from Jesus. It’s really neat that way and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and stuff.

4. Like We Never Loved At All- Tim McGraw and Faith Hill I really like singing this at the top of my lungs… not sure why. There’s also a young french horn player in St Joe that I love to sing this with.

5. The Story- Brandi Carlile Another great one to sing! I also made my middle schoolers analyze this song last year. haha.

6. Wedding Dress- Derek Webb Derek Webb sings about Jesus and doesn’t sound like a generic cookie cut out. This song is gorgeous and if you haven’t heard it you should.

7. Falling Slowly- Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova I’m so glad this made it on here. BEAUTIFUL! If you haven’t seen Once, you’re an idiot- buy or rent it now.

8. Bet On It- Troy from HSM2 I’m a little ashamed of this one… perhaps I’m growing up…

9. Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg Another great song all should hear. My favorite line- “I see the paths that your eyes wander down, I want to go too.” When I fall in love, that’s how its gonna be. Plus, coffee shops are amazing! I wish there were one around here…

10. Sweetest Girl- Wyclef Jean feat. Akon I used to be the sweetest girl ever. Now cash rules everything around me….

11. Like This- Mims  That’s right, MIMS! I love this song because it reminds me of great times with someone I love. Baby, do you want it like this?

12. Come On Get Higher- Matt Nathanson Speaks for itself.

13. The Safety Dance- Men Without Hats This was definitely purchased after hours of insisting that the lyrics were “You can dance if you want to, you can leave your pants behind.” only to be proven wrong… lame…

14. When a Man Loves a Woman- Michael Bolton Definitely my random hickville central MN kareoke song of choice. That’s right. One time I sang this song and a couple of 50 somethings stood 2 feet in front of me and proceeded to grope each other until I was done… talk about an awkward distraction…

15. Wonderful, Merciful Saviour- Selah This list is so random. I normally hate Selah but this one is enjoyable.

16. Keep Breathing- Ingrid Michaelson I definitely listen to this whenver I feel like my life is just falling apart. For some reason it gives me comfort and makes me feel like all I really have to do to be purposeful is breathe…

17. How Great Is Our God- Chris Tomlin 18. Marvelous Light- Charlie Hall Both of these bring me back to one of my favorite summer in Saint Francis. Oh, sleeping in a gym, having ice cold showers, contracting Shigella… what could be better? seriously?

19. Fidelity- Regina Spektor I went through a Regina Spektor phase for awhile and probably listened to this song every day… I think I was secretly hoping I would stumble into love or something…

20. Greatest Love of All- Whitney Houston Another great one to sing at the top of my lungs. So great. I also thought about basing my teaching philosophy on this song- I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride. Pretty much says it all. Way to go, Whitney.

21. Colors- Amos Lee This is my missing everyone song. Because, friends, when you’re gone colors seem to fade.

22. Haydn Chorale- Bad Ass Brass Quintet I miss quintet!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so much so that all the colors are fading. Plus, I love that Haydn.

European history as it should be

Once upon a time in the Mount, there was a man who taught AP Euro. Every week we would have a test on a chapter in our lovely history books and in preparation, this man would lecture on whatever he damn well pleased, regardless of relevance or accuracy. In many ways he prepared us for the horrid college professors we’d run into at some point in our lives who would do the same thing. It’s amazing what tenured teachers can get away with… When we weren’t watching strange movies or sleeping, he did prove to be wildly entertaining and even though I skipped out of half of his class nearly every day, I managed to capture some quality quotes over our 9 months together. These quotes were recently rediscovered. Enjoy.

Look at all the chubby angels whipping around the alter! They’re not wearing diapers!

Yes, I worship trees.

When they’re not busy shooting each other, they’re shooting Islamic people.

We’re in a war right now! I don’t care if you’re in love with your cat!

I’m gonna go to the back of the room and duck tape myself to the chair.

Oh, I got an idea! Let’s let the women work!

Shut up… shut up… shut up more…

Let’s see if we can throw a sixth grader into the pond!

I am a part of the Roosevelt administration.

Teachers are the biggest bunch of bitchers!

You anti-Romanian bigots!

I don’t care if you come to school in a cape with a green flower and knickers. You can’t beat the British.

Quiet please or I’ll bite.

It’s like standing in the presence of God and noticing that God has a little piece of toilet paper stuck to his sandal.

Some people see nature as a warm fuzzy lap to roll around in.

He massaged me and sang Czechoslovakian love songs…

He gave me a Commie salute… And I gave it back…

Grammar is someone you visit over the holidays.

I had a seizure in Byerly’s yesterday. A pumpkin pie seizure!

What a bunch of dufi we are!

Then I’d start eating the monkeys raw.

On Thursday, after the test, look at me and say, “wild boy”.

Vote communist. I give you lefsa.

Who can I kill to make this class more perfect?

There was a time when if you fooled around with Mr. Ressler upstairs, they’d burn you at the stake. Him too.

You’d go to hell if you had a calculator in your pocket.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Child meat.

Don’t go back in a time machine and date Picasso.

Quit your bitchin! God wants you here!

My thoughts right now: hundreds of pages of the F word.

I think we should have babies the old fashioned way: nookie and by accident.

Oh what great times. I miss being a student.

Happy Milk Day!

I say that because some of our students believe we don’t have school today because its milk day. Calendars can be confusing, MLK and all… I’ve corrected as many of them as I could…

Many of you probably know that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr is one of my heroes. Basically the man rocks my socks off and I can only hope that someday I will be a fifth of the person he was. He said a lot of amazing things so in honor of his day, I’ve picked a few of my favorite quotes and I’ll let the guy speak for himself.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.

Human progress is neither automatic or inevitable. Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too much of a burden to bear.

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.

A Conversation

7th Grade Female Student: Miss Jacobson, have you ever liked a boy and had this feeling, like a tingling that starts in your nose and goes to your toes?

Me: Like a bubbly feeling?

Student: YEAH!

Me: Well, that’s pretty normal for 7th grade.

Student: I just don’t know what to do and I really want to tell him and I don’t know how!

Me: Well, maybe you should sing it to him.

Student: Nay!

I love my job.

Happy New Year

Ok, 13 days late but give me a break folks, I’ve been a little busy…. I say that a lot… sometimes its true. I’m sorry I haven’t written in awhile but quite honestly I just haven’t been inspired. I’d rather be inspired then just random crap… so here’s the most inspiration I’ve had this year-

In honor of the new year, I’d like to share some new experiences I’ve encountered in 2009. 

1st, last Friday I had private lessons (for those who don’t know, I’m a middle school band teacher) scheduled all day. For the first time ever, I had every single one of those lessons. All of my students were here, they all had instruments and they all came and worked with me. It was AMAZING!!!! It was like the world as it should be. Things like that never happen where I work and that day they did. You have no idea how frickin sweet that was!!!! 

2nd, LOST. I had never seen LOST before and on New Years Eve I made the decision to start watching the show even though I kind of vowed never to see it. Now I’m on the 2nd season… um, that show is freaking crazy?!?!?! I don’t understand it and I want all of my questions answered. The most pressing questions right now are a. what the h is so special about Walt? b. Why are there polar bears? This was introduced right away and I’m still waiting for an answer… c. Why hasn’t Shannon died yet? She’s a little bit annoying. d. What’s with the weird 70′s entrance music in the hatch? d. Is there any connection between John Locke and John Locke?

3rd, I had my first experience shopping at midnight the day EBT got recharged. EBT (electronic benefit transfer) is basically like food stamps. Government funds are put on debit-type cards each month for people’s use at grocery-type establishments. It was an interesting experience. If you want to hear more reflections, talk to me but I would describe it as a cross between grocery shopping, late night movie premiers, black friday, and Christmas. It’s definitely not what I expected.

4th, today I encountered some feces on the bathroom floor. Now I realize that this is something that happens frequently in middle school and therefore is not a new experience… but what makes it new was that it was in the female staff bathroom. wtf? I thought about picking it up but then I didn’t. That probably makes me a horrible person. oopsie… I just didn’t quite know what to do in that situation. 

5th, tonight I’m officially chaperoning my first dance. wOOt. I’m greatly looking forward to it.

Must Haves/ Can’t Stands

Recently on a long drive, I had a conversation with a friend about qualities that people want in potential mates (to use the words of Kari Sederstrom). Although most people generally have an idea of the type of person they’d like to marry, few have an actual list of characteristics. But guess what? I do. Because one day my 17 year old self decided to jump on the must haves/ can’t stands list band wagon, inspired by an article in a Christian teen magazine.

The whole point was that you would pray and come up with some non-negotiables, those things you know God wants for you in a mate and those things you know you won’t have anything to do with. One day at work, I pulled some Ace Hardware receipt paper out and started compiling my list. I didn’t exactly follow the directions though- very little prayer and mostly a bunch of ranting and raving about things that drove me nuts and some things I knew I should probably want in a mate because it was the “biblical” thing to have. This list has remained in my wallet to this day. I thought I’d pull it out and show it to this friend of mine but then realized how ridiculous it was and that he shouldn’t really see it. So instead I have decided to broadcast it to the world with added commentary. Here goes:

MUST HAVES:

1. Loves God- #1 Priority Alright, fair enough, I’d say I definitely still want someone who loves God- but what is that love? kinda vague. How do you know someone loves God? I’d edit that to say “Pursues God with reckless abandon… muhaha” Because that love has to be deep and meaningful, not fluffy…

2. Loves his family This is one I definitely just threw on there because it seemed like a good thing to have on a list. If a guy still loves his family, chances are he’ll still love me after 50 years or something… seems logical… but I don’t think it would bother me one bit if my husband were estranged from his family, it might even make things more entertaining.

3. Open and Sincere- willing to talk This is funny because it was definitely written at a time when I wasn’t particularly open and sincere and therefore didn’t really understand what it meant. However, now I am the biggest fan in the world of open and honest communication and this is a definite must have for me.  I hate when people don’t communicate.

4. Deep conversational- has the intelligence and maturity to talk about super deep stuff. That’s right folks, I’m deep, so deep that I use the phrase, “super deep stuff”. But I do have to admit that its probably important for my husband to be on a similar intellectual level as I am and I have to add that I’d LOVE for him to be as intrigued by theological discussion as I am. The intellectual pursuit of God is a big deal for me and I’d love to be able to dive into it with someone I love.

5. Has a sense of humor True. Needed. Especially to deal with my insanity.

6. Wants kids- at least 4. What am I, crazy? I love kids but its a little ridiculous to put that limit on things. I don’t even know if I want 4 kids anymore… and certainly not more then 4. ew. Maybe I’ll be a mother. Maybe I won’t. Well I probably will be but I’m definitely open to discussion on this one… for now, most likely because I’m 22 and I have enough fun with other people’s children at this point.

7. Respectful of women- knows how I should be treated. Ok, diva. Sure I want to be respected but I definitely don’t need a tiara or a daily foot rub. And I also plan on having respect be mutual… hmmmm, let me change that word servitude. Mutual service is a beautiful thing.

8. Musical or enjoys music. Ok, here we go. This is something I need because I can’t truly be known by someone who doesn’t know music at least a little. Music is one of the loves of my life. It’d be great if he was a highly proficient pianist but I guess its not necessary and I doubt he will be. We have to have a piano in our home though.

9. STRONG spiritual leader Hmmm. I think I just threw up in my mouth a lil bit.

10. Servant’s heart. YES! DEFINITELY!

11. Be in active pursuit of fulfilling some sort of purpose. This is also still a biggy- I really feel there should be a point to everything and it bothers me when there isn’t.

12. Randomly lets loose- willing to be crazy sometimes. Eh, maybe, maybe not. I’m much less crazy these days. Although I do enjoy my fair share of misadventures I don’t think its necessary in a romantic relationship. Maybe I’m growing up or something.

13. I can laugh at him and he doesn’t take offense. Considering ridicule is one of my love languages… just kidding not really…. but I love making fun of those I love so he can’t be too upset by it.

14. We have fun and LAUGH. Yep, I need laughter. And I need someone to find things funny that I find funny.

CAN’T STANDS- bound to be more ridiculous.

1. Lukewarm faith. This is kind of taken care of with the active pursuit. Questioning faith is totally cool with me and I don’t think it was when I was 17.

2. Searing- YUCK Too bad I find a lot of profanity completely hilarious and enjoyable.

3. Self-centered hmmmmm…..

4. Lazy- doesn’t do anything Sure, if someone does absolutely nothing, I doubt I would have anything to do with them… but it seems a little obvious.

5. Drugs or alcohol-Meh, I would prefer not to be with an addict some kind but I really don’t think this one is non-negotiable. Sometimes people abuse substances… and they work through it. A history of drug abuse wouldn’t be all that much of a problem- neither would a history of most types of addiction. Hey 17-year old self, get off that high horse, will ya?

6. Greedy. Fair- mostly because I plan on not having much and living below my means. If my husband wants a bunch of crap, that’ll probably annoy me.

7. Too prideful. This isn’t a bad idea. I struggle with pride enough- it’d be nice if he didn’t.

This is where the list gets pretty funny- I’ll let it speak for itself.

8. Clingy- can’t handle not having me around all the time.

9. Just tells me what I want to hear.

10. Shares our relationship with a lot of people.

11. Possessive.

12. Insecure/Paranoid

13. Has an uncontrollable angry side.

14. Blames God- thinks he knows better.

15. Trust issues.

Tee hee. Pretty sure if I made a list today, it would look very different. There would be some new things on there and all the obvious crap would be gone- pretty sure no one wants someone who can’t control themselves in anger… And I’d definitely just make a list of things I would like to have. And not even what he should be but what we should have together.

Intellectual pursuit of God, active pursuit of the Kingdom of God, a sense of mutual purpose for the betterment of the world, open and honest communcation, laughter, music, joy, service, love. That’s all I got and certainly all I need.